That Is Bully!

We support Head Coach Eddie Jordan's decision to insert Caron Butler into the starting lineup. This spreads the floor and comes closest to mimicking the 2005 Larry Hughes-like Wizards.

Query re Jarvis Hayes: Bro broke his knee. Again. Without bumping it. This means, we think, his knee broke just from running and jumping. Durability is by far the least talked about important component of the success in the NBA.

The Clippers. The braintrust -- Donald "I Love Strippers Too" Sterling and Elgin "Nobody's Ever Accused Me Of Being Executive Of The Year" Baylor. Always fun to check in with the second worst franchise in the history of professional sports (the Philadelphia Phillies, of course, being the worst).

The Big Stories
The most pressing question each year for the Clippers is how they will actually perform worse than you think? Injuries usually will do this for any team. By adding Sam Cassell to the mix, the Clippers have definitely positioned themselves very nicely. Good work.

Key Additions
G-Sam Cassell
G-Cuttino Mobley
F-Wall-tuh McCarty
G-Rodney "Gun Charges" White

Key Subtractions
F-Bobby "I Was Discovered By Michael Jordan" Simmons
G-Rick "Cherry Hill" Brunson
G-Marko Jaric
C-Mikki "Not Mouse But" Moore

Starting Five
1-Sam Cassell
2-Cuttino Mobley
3-Corey Maggette
4-Elton Brand
5-Chris "White Men Can't Jump" Kaman

The Bench
G-Shaun "Fats" Livingston
G-Wall-tuh McCarty
F-Chris Wilcox
G-Rodney White

Comments
Whassup here? Two years after committing to Maggette, he is now on the outs. Livingston, at one time the next great point guard, appears to be taking a liking to the Clippers curse. Importing the elderly Sam Cassell; paying Mobley $9M per year; and little bench bolstering. Business as usual for the Clippers.

Questions
How long before Maggette gets moved? Head Coach Mike Dunleavy has taken to calling Maggette not smart. What's up with the Shaun Livingston, the man of the future?

Sacramento Kings. 2005 was the big transition, the Kings moving conceptually from a two-knee-d-Chris-Webber (conceptually that is) to a one-knee-d-C-Webb. Luckily for Sac-Town there are very stupid GMs like Billy King and Rob Babcock. Billy King graciously took the severely damaged and overpaid C-Webb off of Sac-Town in exchange for three solid role players, Kenny Thomas, Brian Skinner, and the admittedly aging Corliss Williamson.

The Big Stories
The Webberless Kings move forward with a big offseason. They landed two starters, Shareef "I Failed The Physical" Abdur-Rahim and Bonzi "There Is No I Team But There Is An M & E" Wells to go along with last season's Sixer additions. A whole new team.

Key Additions
F-Shareef Abdur-Rahim
G-Bonzi Wells
G-Jason Hart

Key Subtractions
G-Bobby Jackson
C-Greg "Kidney" Ostertag
G-Cuttino Mobley
F-Darius Songaila

Starting Five
1-Mike "Big Shot" Bibby
2-Bonzi "It's All About Me" Wells
3-Peja "You Didn't Think Eastern Europeans Could Be Egomaniacs" Stojakovic
4-Shareef Abdur-Rahim
5-Brad Miller

The Bench
The Players Formerly Known As Sixers -- Thomas, Williamson and Skinner, all part of Billy King's undersized big men strategy. All are 4's and all are very well paid.

Comments
The team will be forever limited by Peja. A great jump shooter v. bad teams or good teams that are too consumed with their jetlag and/or bong hit-related hangovers. Peja is a bad defenseman and Peja flunks the playoffs each May. Plus now the Kings will be additionally limited by Shareef's bad knees -- bro FAILED his Nets physical. How does this happen? Obviously, the whole world knows 'Reef's got knee troubles, but they obviously must be worse than everyone thought. Heck, the Nets moved forward with Marc Jackson in 'Reef's stead. And we really do not need to get into Bonzi. A guy who has played himself expeditiously out of two mediocre franchises, Portland and Memphis.

Questions
Who goes down for the year first? Bibby, Brad Miller, Peja, or 'Reef? Is all this commissioning of perpetually broken bodies just a ruse for the Maloofs to move the team to Vegas?

Los Angeles Lakers. Coming off the worst thing ever. 2005.

Let's be clear re the title of this piece. There is one basketball team in Los Angeles. The Clippers are merely the Philadelphia Phantoms (FN1) of the Staples Center.

We are still churning through the mathematics re Kobe cheating (or worse) on his wife. NBA player or not, seems like Vanessa is worthy of a major pre-vent defense regime on the Kobester's part. Like, we would travel with her, hook up video conference links if we couldn't travel with her, it would all be quite complex. Telephony would be involved. So would SBC.

The Big Stories
Phil's back. No rape charges. What more could a Laker fan need?

Key Additions
Kwame "I Am Fighting Michael Olowokandi Out For The Mantle Of Worst Number One Pick In The Last Ten Years" Brown.

Aaron "Blue" McKie

Key Subtractions
Caron Butler
Chucky Atkins
Brian "In A Former Life I Composed And Performed The Hit Electric Avenue" Grant
Vlade, but he doesn't really count.

Starting Five
1-Aaron McKie
2-Kobe Bryant
3-Lamar Odom
4-Kwame Brown
5-Chris Mihm

The Bench
G-Devean "The Fifth Beatle" George
G-Luke Walton
C-Slava Medvedenko
F-Brian Cook

Comments
Before anybody starts doubting the Lakers, let's be clear, their Head Coach is Phil Jackson, arguably the best coach EVER. Their superstar is Kobe Bryant, a talent that singlehandedly can guide any team to the playoffs. This team should be fine. They are weak in the bench department, but expect Phil to get the most out of newcomer Kwame Brown and the quite legitimate Lamar "Arms" Odom.

The Triangle is really quite complicated. Complexity and Kwame Brown do not go together. Hopefully for the Lakers sake, Phil can dummy down the triangle for Kwame. We suggest explaining it in terms of video games. Also, whilst explaining the same, the Zenmeister might serve himself well by bringing Kraft French Dressing to the teaching session. Kwame likes that.

Questions
Kwame?

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FN1: In Philadelphs the Flyers are a huge draw. Everyone there loves hockey. One of NASCAR of the North's biggest cities, which is what we call the National Hockey League. Anyway, since it costs like $75 bucks for a really bad seat, those that are not good enough to go to Flyers games, go to Phantoms games. Same with the Clippers (FN2) those that are not good enough to go to Laker games see the Clippers.

FN2: Ed. note -- Were we living in LA, we would go to every single Clippers game. For road games, we would Tivo the games and watch every minute of every road game that way. So, no offense to the Clippers fans here (FN3).

FN3: Here constitutes two readers, who also are our top advisors, Jake and Eric. Neither of whom are Clippers fans.

Phoenix Suns. Finished second in the West, winning 62 regular season games.

The Big Stories
Having enjoyed microfracture surgery, Amare is pretty much effed for this season, and maybe forever. Stupidly, the Suns re-upped with the youngster before his knee surgery. We need to check for Marc Bartelstein's fingerprints on this one.

We're not sure with last year's achievement, why Phoenix prosecuted a strategy that included not bringing back both Joe Johnson and Mr. Brandy, Quentin Richardson. OK, Johnson received stupid money, but Q. Bro can shoot. With the up tempo Nash-led offense, Q's long range abilities were exceedingly important.

Key Additions
C-Kurt "Six-Nine-And-Old-Center" Thomas
G-Raja "Decanted in Larry Brown's Beaker" Bell
G-Boris "From France" Diaw
G-Eddie House
F-James Jones
F-Brian "Electric Avenue" Grant

Key Subtractions
F-Amare Stoudemire's out until Feb or Mar
C-Steven Hunter
G-Joe "$14M" Johnson
F-Quentin Richardson
F-Walter McCarty

Starting Five
1-Steve Nash
2-Raja Bell
3-Shawn Marrion
4-James Jones
5-Kurt Thomas

The Bench
F-Jimmy Jackson
G-Leandro Barbosa
F-Brian Grant
G-Boris Diaw

Comments
Losing both JJ and Q, the Suns were headed south to begin with. Adding the improbability of Nash repeating his MVP performance of 2005 plus the destruction of Amare's knees, this team is back to being a lower tier playoff team, if that.

Raja Bell will fit nicely into the Joe Johnson slot. Won't be as much of a shooting threat, but not a total fall on your face replacement for JJ.

Questions
You would think the big question is what to do without Amare? Yeah, it is a big question, but it has an easy answer: lose more basketball games.

One wonders why old and short Kurt Thomas is worth Quentin Richardson. True, in his prime Thomas, as a Knick, was a fundamentally sound small big man. He knows how to post, how to play decent defense and to rebound -- for his size. At the end of the day, however, he is still 6-9.

The big question, in our view, is Shawn Marrion's funny looking jump shot. He hikes it from the belt like the guy in seventh grade who just had his Bar Mitzvah. It is a very weird gig.

Photo Credit: Matt York

Utah Jazz. Coming off a season in which they finished thirty games below five hundred, many of us now want to know, what will Jerry Sloan do now?

By the way, are we the only outfit to notice that Head Coach Jerry Sloan never buttons his top button on his dress shirt. It is always open. Normally that happens after some sort of tribulation. Not with Jerry. He starts the game with his top button unbuttoned.

The Big Stories
There are two. Deron Williams, the third overall pick in this year's draft, and Carlos Boozer, the sixty-eight million dollar man as of a season ago.

Key Additions
D-Williams
Greg "I Return Minus One Kidney" Ostertag
Devin "Mr. San Antonio" Brown

Key Subtractions
Raja "Larry Brown Decanted Me From A Beaker" Bell
Raul Lopez


Starting Five
1-Deron Williams
2-Gordan Giricek
3-Andrei "AK-47" Kirilenko
4-Carlos "I Had My Fingers Crossed Right In Front Of Mr. Gund's Face" Boozer
5-The Big Legal Memo, Mehmet Okur

The Bench
F-Matt Harpring
G-Devin Brown
And not much more . . .
G-Milt Palacio
F-Kris Humphries
C-The Other Collins, Jarron, Not Jason

Comments
AK-47 is a For Real NBA star. Bro does everything, most importantly blocking more shots than Yao Ming. If the other pieces do their part, this team will be back in the Playoffs. The other pieces mean, rookie Deron Williams, the bagillionaire Carlos Boozer, and Okur, who is not really a starting NBA Center.

Harpring has been the team's second best player for a couple years. Now, suddenly, he is out of a starting job. We presume he may be properly inserted in GG's slot, but if not, Harpring will be the sixth man until injuries happen.

Questions
Will Boozer play like a forty million dollar player (let alone a seventy million dollar one)?

Will The Big Legal Memorandum move beyond a serviceable role player and convert his person into a starting NBA Center?

The Rookie?

Portland Trail Blazers. Won 27 games in 05. Very bad. An embarrassment.

The Big Stories
Martell "Don't I Kinda Look Like Lebron James" Webster (Picture from ESPN.com).

Portland disbanded after last season, dumping Mighty Mouse, Shareef "Playoffs" Abdur-Rahim and Nick "Defense" Van Excel. Their youth movement involves Sebastian "Shoe Contract" Telfair, high schooler Webster, Zach "My Cousin Gots The Gun" Randolph and Darius "Can We Still Talk About My Upside" Miles. The team will rise and fall with Zach. Two years ago, for some reason, management saw the next Elton Brand in Zach and decided to pay him like Allen Iverson. Not smart. But hey, if this Webster kid is a hit, the Jail Blazers might be ok.

Key Additions
G-Martell Webster
G-Jarrett Jack
G-Juan Dixon
G-Steve Blake

Key Subtractions
G-Nick Van Excel
G-Damon Stoudamire
F-Shareef Abdur-Rahim
G-Derek Anderson

Starting Five
1-Sebastian Telfair
2-Juan Dixon
3-Darius Miles
4-Zach Randolph
5-Joel Pryzbilla

The Bench
G-Martell Webster
C-Theo Ratliff
F-Ruben Patterson
F-Travis Outlaw
G-Steve Blake
G-Jarrett Jack

Comments
Very bad bench. The strangely inseparable Juan Dixon and Steve Blake go west with their big, bad, mediocre selves. Dixon will start unless this Martell Webster kid can make the quick leap. Again, we will be interested to see if Zach R. decides to earn his money. We will also be watching the Shoe Contract to see if he can be an NBA point guard.

Questions
Martell Webster, will he be able to hang? Shoe Contract, is he a big league point guard? Zach R.

Minnesota Timberwolves. Won 44 games in 05, finishing out of the playoff money in the NW.

The Big Stories
Pictured is Not The Big O. But rather Michael Olowokandi, the worst number one pick in twenty years. Well, at least if you ask Kwame Brown he is.

Anyway.

After the disaster known as 2005, the Wolves are poised for the disaster known as 2006.

Will the Wolves re-emerge as a playoff team?

We have a totally different team with a new Head Coach. Dwane Casey, Nate McMillan's top assistant in Seattle, takes the helm. Gone are two thirds of the big three, in Latrell Sprewell and Sam Cassell.

Key Additions
Marco Jaric. Back-up Point Guard kinda player who will apparently start, but will be unimpressive and lead KG to cry again at the All-Star break when John Thompson interviews him.
Rashad McCants. First round pick from UNC. We are not smart enough to know whether a rookie such as McCants will be an impact player. From a staving off KG crying standpoint, we are rooting for McCants. Not that we give a hoot re McCants, but KG is mighty cool and deserves better than Kevin McHale.

Key Subtractions
Sam Cassell
Latrell Sprewell
Fred "The Mayor" Hoiberg
Ervin Johnson

Starting Five
1-Marco Jaric
2-Trenton Hassell
3-Wally "VD" Szczerbiak
4-Kevin Garnett
5-Michael Olowokandi

The Bench
SG Troy Hudson
SF Eddie Griffin
C Mark Madsen
SG Rashad McCants
SG Richie Frahm
PF Dwayne Jones (undrafted rookie from St. Joseph's)


Comments
With KG the Playoffs are always a possibility, heck if Allen Iverson can get some of those horrific Sixers teams there, certainly KG can. But before we go any further, please remember this is a team run by a very clueless Kevin McHale (FN1). Who in addition to being a very bad GM, emerged last season as an even worse Head Coach. The T-Wolves had one good year, 04, two years ago. Then, Sam Cassell had a breakout All-Star season, and Latrell Sprewell was playing to feed his family. Before 04, the Wolves were a team that could never win a playoff series. With KG, one of the top three players in the league, how is this possible?> Our favorite McHale move was when he flagrantly violated the tampering rules to illegally sign Joe Smith. JOE SMITH??

Anyway. We think this team is totally screwed. They have no Center (have you heard about the two hours long back stretching regimen the Candy Man has to do before each game just to get his back to be eligible to hold up his head).

Questions
The Minnesota Timberwolves? The Center position. The bench.



_______________________________________

FN1 -- Which begs the question, who is the worse former-Celtic GM, Kevin McHale or Danny Ainge?

Denver Nuggets. Won 49 games in 05, finishing second in the NW.

The Big Stories
This is the year Carmelo "Me And My Friends Are From Baltimore" Anthony has to stand up and be the franchise player. Success will probably hinge on whether Earl Watson can emerge as a legitimate NBA starting point guard.

Key Additions
Earl Watson. Back-up Point Guard from Memphis who probably gets to start.
Julius Hodge. First round pick.

Key Subtractions
No important subtractions.

Starting Five
1-Earl Watson
2-Andre Miller
3-Carmelo Anthony
4-Kenyon Martin
5-Marcus Camby

The Bench
PG Earl Boykins
PF Nene, the athlete formerly known as Nene Hilario
SG Voshon Lenard
SG Greg Buckner
G/F DerMarr Johnson
PF Ed Najera
SG Julius Hodge

Comments
Had exceedingly strong second half in 05, coming on strong following the application of George Karl's grubby little hands. Should be well-positioned for the playoffs in 06, but please remember the Nuggets will always be George Karl-limited. George Karl teams always play like NBA playoff teams, but never win when it counts. The team remains structurally flawed, however, in that they are full of twos (Miller, Lenard, Buckner, Boykins, and now Julius Hodge) and not big enough big-men (Nene, K-Mart, Camby, and Najera). For Carmelo Anthony and Kenyon Martin to be used most effectively, Karl must implement a Point Guard-led offense. It remains to be seen whether Earl Watson is something more than a back-up one. With that said, Denver comes into 06 with a fully stocked bench. Earl "The Little Munchkin" Boykins finished third in the Sixth Man voting in 05. In addition to the little guy, DerMarr Johnson, Voshon Lenard, Nene, Eddy Najera, and Greg Buckner are all players who are experienced minute getters. When Marcus Camby breaks his knees (or back) expect Nene to replace him in the starting five.

Questions
In which game will Marcus Camby go down for the season? Earl Watson?

Seattle SuperSonics. Won 52 games in 05, finishing first in the NW.

The Big Stories
How will they respond to new Head Coach Bob Weiss, and will Ray Allen aka Jesus Shuttlesworth continue to play like a superstar now that he has a new contract?

Key Additions
Mikki Moore. Seven foot back-up Center who may find his way into the starting five.
Rick Brunson. Journeyman back-up Point Guard. Signed to re-stock the bench following the loss of reliable sixth man Antonio Daniels.

Key Subtractions
Antonio Daniels. Sixth man swing man.
Jerome James. Starting Center.

Starting Five
1-Luke Ridnour
2-Ray Allen
3-Rashard Lewis
4-Reggie Evans*
5-Developing Story (see more below)

The Bench
F Vladimir "Grover" Radmanovic
PG Rick Brunson
C Mikki Moore
C/F Danny Fortson
F/G Damien Wilkins
C Vitaly Potapenko
SG Flip Murray
C Project Robert Swift

Comments
Well rounded group. Team rises and falls with Shooting Guard Ray Allen, their best player. Small Forward Rashard Lewis is their second best player. Lewis made the All-Star team last year, and deserved it. Sonics are one of the few teams in the NBA with pure position players at each position. Luke "Do Not Confuse Me With Luke Jackson" Ridnour has matured into a legitimate NBA Point Guard. Seattle has a deep bench with most of the minutes going to "Grover From Sesame Street" Radmanovic, back-up Point Guard, Rick "Cherry Hill Resident" Brunson, Danny "I Am Scheduled To Be Very Fat When I Retire" Fortson and the athletic Damien Wilkins. Flip Murray provides some scoring insurance should Ray Allen suffer an injury. Murray is a scorer, and may find his way into head coach Bob Weiss' rotation as "the guy from the bench who will score."

Questions
How will the team respond to new Head Coach Bob Weiss? Will Project Robert Swift develop into an NBA player? Who in the heck will be their starting Center? Seattle has three back-up Centers, Mikki Moore, Vitaly Potapenko, and Project Robert Swift and two Power Forwards that could see time at the 5 in Nick Collison and Danny Fortson. Since Danny Fortson as starting Center failed in Dallas, we assume Bob Weiss will continue to use Fortson off the bench.

*Evans is a restricted free agent. The thinking is Seattle will retain him.

Picture: He Got Game

For real. The Wizards' second round pick, 19 year old Andray Blatche, was shot in the chest early Sunday morning in Alexandria, Virginia, near D.C. Link to Washington Post story.

According to the newspaper, Blatche and his pals were traveling home at 6 am on Sunday morning, when the incident occurred.

Holy crap!

We have two questions: 1) What was the little guy doing coming home at 6 am Sunday morning? and 2) Who knew crackhead carjackers were working at 6 am?

There is some good news, however. The Wizards website is reporting that Blatche was released yesterday from the hospital.

Picture from nba.com
Andray Blatche player page.